Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Star Bores: Revenge of the Pith

I finally got to see the new Star Wars movie tonight. My lovely friend Kathleen joined me for a 7:45 showing at the virtually empty Star Fairlane. She had already seen it on Saturday, but wanted another viewing. Hmmmmmmmm...ummmm...errrrrr...hmmmmmmmmm...where do I begin?

Although it was certainly better than the last two chamber pots on celluloid, it certainly does not rank anywhere near the original three ("The Good Ones"). It answered all of the necessary questions and tied up all the loose ends, but Lucas just tried too hard. We all knew the answers to the questions, but just not how they would get there. The general plot was pretty good, just poorly executed. Here are a some of my observations...

Visually stunning, mentally numbing.

Ewan McGregor did a fine job. A worth predecessor to Sir Alec Guiness. Good job!

Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu...hmmmm. I love ya Sammy, but I've seen better acting in a dinner theatre production of "Cats" performed in an outhouse. His performance made Billy Dee Williams' portrayal of Lando look genius. William Shatner (gulp) could have done a better job. Sammy, stick to roles where you have to shout or at least talk really loud.

Why would General Grievous cough if he's a droid (although it looked like he had some biological innards)?

I was really hoping that Anakin would trade-in his blue light-saber for a red one in this episode.

Anakin, Obi Wan, and Padame should have died on the volcanic planet in the Mustafar system. Poisonous gases should have killed them, if the freakin' hot lava beneath them didn't cook them first.

Wookies are cool!

Yoda is the baddest MF in the universe. Shut your mouth!

Jar Jar Binks had no lines. Freakin' awesome! Although, I wouln't mind it at all if he were killed.

Temuera Morrison is cool as hell. He played Jango Fett in the last one and is the "original" for all the clones. He played Jake in my favorite movie, Once Were Warriors. Also great in Broken English.

Droids shouldn't be funny or joke around. They're droids.

It was great to see the evolution of spacecraft. The earlier versions of what would become X-Wing Fighters, Imperial Cruisers, TIE Fighters, and the Emperor's shuttle were a nice touch.

It doesn't feel right when Darth Vader emotes in costume. It makes him look weak.

Did the Viceroy and his guys lose their Asian accent or is it just me? I can understand why, but it's a little abrupt.

Count Dooku... "HA! You said "Dooku"!"

I thought that Jimmy Smits would have more than a few lines in this one.

The guy who plays Mas Amedda sounds like Timothy Spall. (I had no idea what the character's name was...I had to look it up. He's the horny blue guy.)

Was that Keisha Castle-Hughes as the Queen of Naboo? I just looked it up. It is. WTG Keisha! Watch Whalerider if you haven't already. She should've won the Oscar.

Obi Wan, Anakin, and Chancellor Palpatine should've died when Grievous blew out the window in the ship. Even if they still had enough oxygen in their lungs they would've frozen before the window was sealed.

Why are droids so dumb if they're frickin' robots?

Why do droids talk? Can't they communicate with each other with some sort of wireless networking?

I think I saw the Millenium Falcon.

Kathleen saw George Lucas.

How did Chewbacca end up flying around with Han Solo if he was such an important Wookie on his own planet? Did he want to travel?

Saw the trailer for The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Can't wait! I hope they make movies of all seven books. I LOVED the Chronicles of Narnia when I was a kid. Even as a kid I thought that the Chronicles of Narnia were the best untapped potential movie franchise.

I think (I could be wrong) that Ewan McGregor is taller than Sir Alec Guinness.

Natalie Portman, a supremely talented actress, did the best with what she had to work with. Boring.

The "lovey dovey" talk between Padame and Anakin was way too cheesy.

I wish that they could darken every movie except A New Hope and Empire (they're perfect)and make them "Rated R". Too childish.

Nice stabs at Dubya.

Did the clones (Stormtroopers) in Episodes IV through VI get watered down. The Stormtroopers in IV-VI can't hit the broad side of a barn with their blasters? These clones are pretty damn good shots. Did somebody pee in the gene-pool?

Did you know that George Lucas' ego is bigger than Jabba the Hut's pant size?

Anakin Skywalker is a whiny bitch.

What happens when a Stormtrooper has to go to the bathroom?

C3-PO is a metrosexual...no...wait...he's just gay.

Does the Jedi Council ever hang out and have pajama parties where they braid each others' hair, tell ghost stories, and make S'mores?

Do all light-saber scenes (in all 6 movies) have to be in a dangerous places precariously located over virtually bottomless or fiery pits?

While the light-saber duals were plentiful, fast, and well-choreographed, they're not as dramatic as the minimalist battles in "The Good Ones".

Well...I'm glad I saw it. Entertaining but never wholly satisfying. Too much emphasis on special effects when "The Good Ones" were more dependent on minimalism and brilliance. Now we can finally close the book after 28 years and concentrate on crappy movie re-makes of 70's TV shows...

Closure at last...



Blogger Kathleen said...

Good review, Jason.

7:30 AM  

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