Saturday, April 22, 2006

100 Worst Song Lyrics...

This is also taken from the Boston Phoenix. What's your take?

The 100 worst lyrics of all time
It's in your hands, America


4/20/2006 7:48:54 PM

Warrant's "Cherry Pie" is a possibility in our poll

VH-1, that paragon of list-making, recently set out to find the greatest lyric of all time. And after their exhaustive poll, which included asking Jon Bon Jovi and Noel Gallagher for their two cents, they discovered that "One" by U2 featured the best lyric: "One Life / With Each Other / Sisters / Brothers" was number one, followed by the words of the Smiths, Nirvana, the Who, Radiohead, Marvin Gaye, Eminem, Bob Marley and, er, Coldplay and Robbie Williams (not in that order.)
And all that's fine, and some of them were really good choices, giving us hope for America. But where was Ol' Dirty Bastard!?

Anyway, as we are fond of doing, we'd like to give the opposing view. And after you all complained so loudly about not being able to give your two cents and vote for the 100 Unsexiest Men in the World list, we’ve compiled some of our favorite nominations (from polling Phoenix music editors and writers) of some of the worst lyrics of all time, in no special order. These are just the nominees for the worst lyrics ever. We're leaving the voting to you. And you can use the comments to write in your own suggestions -- we're sure there are plenty we're missing. Results of the voting will appear in the future in this space.

To clarify, we're not indicting these songs, necessarily. Some of them are good. And also, we're not saying the entirety of these songs' lyrics are bad - just these specific lines we're singling out.

And, before everyone starts in on us: yes, we know, it's hard to write a song, we've never written any popular songs, these people sleep with beautiful women and/or men, yadda yadda yadda. Right, we're aware. Save the keystrokes, Mr. Aiken.

Warrant, "Cherry Pie"
“Swingin' in the living room / Swingin' in the kitchen / Most folks don't / 'cause they're too busy bitchin' / Swingin' in there 'cause / She wanted me to feed her / So I mixed up the batter / And she licked the beater.”
The reason most people don’t swing? Because they’re too busy bitching. Makes sense to us.

LFO, “Summer Girls”
“New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits / Chinese food makes me sick/And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer.”
We would print out the whole song, but we threw up after rhyming “speakin’” with “Alex P. Keaton.”

Avril Lavigne, "Sk8r Boi"
“He was a boy, she was a girl / Can I make it any more obvious.”
M’am, could you make it a bit more obvious? We’re not all sophisticated like y’all Degrassi-watching Canadians. By the way, it's been pointed out before, but we've never known a "Sk8tr Boy" who had anything resembling girl trouble.

311, "Down"
"'Cuz we're dope and change like a chameleon / and my channel whenever that whack show Real Worldis on"
We put this on the list only to defend the honor of Judd Winick.

Eminem, "Ass Like That"
"I ain’t never seen an ass like that / The way you move it, you make my peepee go DOING DOING DOING"
We think one 'doing' would have sufficed, no?

Train “Drops of Jupiter”
“Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation /The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me”
First we’re travelling in space all fine and dandy, then he starts name-dropping fads from the year 2000 as if it’s a VH1 special and he’s Hal Sparks. Soy Lattes? Tae Bo? Yes, Venus did blow our minds.

Spice Girls, “Wannabe”
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”
Ok, no guy is going to say no to that (at least if Gerri turned the lights off.)
“Make it last forever friendship never ends”
Okay, girl power, we get it. Don’t really see how it has anything to do with us guys, but fine.
“If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give”
Alright, now it’s getting a little annoying. I’m fucking all four of your friends, like you told me to in the first line. What else do you want?
"Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.”
Slam your body down and zigazig ah, indeed. And yeah, we know, 1996 called and they want their jokes back.

Bruce Springsteen, "Glory Days"
"He could throw that speed ball by you / make you look like a fool"
Bruce, we hate to bring this up, because we think you're great and everything, and it might sound a little nitpicky and all, but it's just that . . . um . . . well, a fastball is what Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson throw and a speedball is what John Belushi took to kill himself. Unless you were trying to make a prophetic comment about Doc Gooden's career, in which case you did a great job.

Cranberries, "Salvation"
"To all the kids with heroin eyes / don't do it"
Nancy Reagan, Irish-style. The kids always listen when you tell them not to do something.

Limp Bizkit, "Break Stuff"
"It's just one of those days / When you don't wanna wake up / Everything is fucked / Everybody sucks / You don't really know why / But you wannna justify / Rippin' someone's head off"
Music is supposed to move people. This song just happened to move people to assault women and set fires at Woodstock ’99.

America's "A Horse With No Name" features a notable mental lapse in poetry
America, "A Horse With No Name"
"There were plants and birds and rocks and things"
What, did he get tired? Rocks and things?
Dashboard Confessional, "Screaming Infidelities"
"Your hair / it's everywhere"
We know Chris Carraba is the sentimental, romantic type and everything, and maybe our mind is in the gutter a little bit, but this just sounds gross.

Puddle of Mudd, "Control"
"I love the way you look at me/I love the way you smack my ass/I love the dirty things you do/I have control of you"
You charmer you!

Peter Cetera, "Glory of Love"
"Just like a knight in shining armor / from a long time ago"
It's fun to picture him getting the "knight in shining armor" part and then struggling with how to follow it up. "From Medieval times? From the 12th century? Fuck it: 'from a long time ago.' Yes! Cetera, you've done it again!"
Black Eyed Peas, "My Humps"
"My lovely lady lumps"
This has got to be the least appealing description for the female anatomy conceivable.

Relient K, "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"
"I watched the proverbial sunrise / coming up over the Pacific / and you might think I'm losing my mind / but I will shy away from specifics"
Not just the "duh" rhyme of "Pacific" and "specifics," but more importantly, didn't he just watch the sunrise? Why is it the proverbial sunrise? How is a sunrise proverbial? If you can explain it, we're open to listening.

Social Distortion, "Story of My Life"
"High school seemed like such a blur / I never had much interest in sports or school elections"
Neither did a lot of people. So what? Why didn’t you just smoke on the bleachers and play handball? High school had ended for you, like, ten years ago when you wrote this, didn't it? Might be time to move on.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

a few good lyrics, but it looks like you should have an accurate list by the time you're done making it. I think the worst lyrics are the lyrics that don't rhyme or the lyrics that have made up words.

9:05 PM  

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