Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Where in the world is John C? Part Sechs...Ha Ha! You said "Sechs".

(The inside joke continues...)

We left our intrepid hero at Gustavo's house after his girlfriend, Megan, had been kidnapped by the evil Tau, Kappa, and Epsilon of the Greek underworld...

Morning had finally arrived and it was time for John and Gustavo to figure out how to infiltrate the evil lair of Tau, Kappa, and Epsilon...the Fratus Housicus. John and Gus decided to talk it over for breakfast. Gustavo recommended a place called Mrs. C's, but John had a premonition that something horrible would happen there. They did, however, buy some muffins to go, as they might have some use for them later. He thought that it would be safer to eat at a place called Randoni's. The menu was much bigger and the chances of vomiting were much diminished. A very old, matronly, and competent waitress named Lou would be their server that day as they hatched their plans to break into the evil Fratus Housicus. John really wanted to snarf on some Spotted Dick, as he developed quite a taste for the canned goodness, but he settled for the corned beef hash with 2 eggs over easy and rye toast with coffee and OJ. John and Gustavo determined that it would actually be pretty easy to sneak into the Fratus Housicus at this time of day as they would still be passed out drunk from the night before. They would simply try to walk in and rescue Megan without waking the evil members of the Greek Underworld using the cement-like muffins from Mrs. C's as weapons if necessary.

They made their way from Randoni's and walked through the outdoor University Mallus as they were spotted by the occasional underworld allies of Tau, Kappa, and Epsilon...Delta, Sigma, and Phi. They had been sitting at one of three tables allotted to them at the Mallus. The Mallus was a gathering place for all the evil Greek underworlders and uchre urchins. Delta called his evil allies at the Fratus Housicus on his cell to warn them of the arrival of John and Gustavo. By the time John and Gustavo arrived at the Fratus Housicus they knew that something was up. Tau, Kappa, and Epsilon were waiting outside for them. They stated that if John wanted to get Megan back he'd have to beat them in the Greek Games. The Greek Games are not entirely dissimilar to the ones portrayed in Revenge of the Nerds, but much gayer. The challenges would include a belching contest, a tug of war, wrestling, and a beer drinking contest.

The games were to be held at the almost-built Olympic grounds in Athens. The Olympics had already taken place several months prior, but the construction was still not completed. They were to meet at 7:00PM inside the main stadium. John knew that he would need to approach a Zen-like state if he was going to take on the evil underworlders. He decided to return to the Acropolis as he felt a certain spiritual awareness there. He and Gustavo arrived at the Acropolis and began the training regimen...meditation, power-belching, alphabet-belching, wrestling, weight training, and a few shots of ouzo to prime the stomach for the beer drinking contest. Brian was Sly and Gustavo was Burgess Merideth. It was that kind of training session.

The valiant men left the Acropolis as the sun started to fall from the sky. They made their way to the Olympic Stadium and walked onto the field. Tau, Kappa, and Epsilon were there...naked. The ancient Greek athletes used to participate in the nude. John asked if had to take his clothes off, but they said that it would not be necessary. They just like to wrastle naked and let their dicks flop about. John noticed that it must have been cold that night (insert ba-dum-bum here). John handily beat Kappa in belching contest. It was a profound, guttoral belch that was loud enough to summon the gods. John lost the tug of war as he was a single "radio fag" against a trio of jocks. Wrestling was a draw as the three oiled-up underworlders just seemed to wrestle and forgot about John. They were just having too much fun with their slippery naked bodies. John was pacing himself during the beer competition as the three gooch-lickers just kept slamming beer after beer. The Fratus guys were winning the competition, but proceeded to drink so much that they all passed out naked in each other's arms. John scratched his head and walked away with Gustavo in tow.

John and Gustavo proceeded to the Fratus Housicus and entered with caution. It was absolutely disgusting. Their was an inch of beer on the floor and it stank of vomit, poo, and other nasties. John walked carefully down the basement steps and found Megan, tied to a ping-pong table. She was unharmed. Just a little shaken. They torched the place on the way out. No one should ever have to be subjected to the Fratus Housicus. John and Megan thanked Gustavo for everything. John promised to someday introduce Gustavo to his hero, Diamond D. They shared a hug and waved goodbye to Gustavo as they made their way back to the hotel to have share a night of passionate monkey-love...

Tune in tomorrow for another nonsensical, rambling installment of this shite (I think I must have mental problems to write this stuff)...

Cheers,
Jason

2 Comments:

Blogger Brian P said...

I really should not read these while in a meeting, as I kept smirking and I almost pissed my pants

8:23 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Hilarious!!! But you never used the cement-like muffins from Mrs. C's. Too freaking funny...although I've had quite enough vomit stories this morning already and had to gloss over that part.

BTW, nice use of "snarf."

9:03 AM  

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