Sunday, March 20, 2005

Where in the world is John C? Part Neun und Zehn

(The inside joke continues...don't worry, it'll be over soon.)

We left off with our intrepid hero, John C, and his girlfriend Megan driving from Istanbul to Bulgaria in a recently acquired Renault Le Car to visit the infamous Chateau Dalina...

John and Megan loaded their belongings and drove east in their recently bartered-for Le Car. Postcards with naked pictures of Peter Gallagher, aka "The Eyebrow", go a long way in Turkey. Why? Who knows? Why is David Hasselhoff huge in Germany and why is Jerry Lewis considered a deiety in France? No one knows. The white demon with "Le Car" emblazened upon the sides purred forward at the whopping speed of 45mph. The 5hp engine was a force to be reckoned with. There was only one radio station available...KRAP. KRAP was a station famous for it's edgy mix of artists such as Ashlee Simpson, Kenny G., John Tesh, Sum 41, My Chemical Romance, the guys that sang "Macarena", Amy Grant, Celine Dion, 98 Degrees, BSB, NKOTB, N'Sync, Captain and Tenille, Jerry Murad and the Harmonicats, and American Idol winners. In other's the coolest station between Istanbul and Sofia. John and Megan rocked out to the hip tunes while driving through eastern Turkey.

They were bopping along as hep cats do, when they were pulled over by the Turkish police. Apparently they had been breaking local noise ordinance and had to spend a day in Turkish prison. Megan was hauled off to a separate women's facility not unlike the one recently used by Ms. Martha Stewart. John, however, was in for a hellish night. John was afraid that his cellmate, Bubba Mustafa, make take advantage of him if he fell asleep. Fortunately John was still energized from that pot of Turkish coffee in Istanbul. John eventually realized that Bubba was really a sweetheart. They snuggled and shared secrets to doing great laundry while painting each other's toenails. The giggled and gossiped into the wee hours. Eventually John fell asleep in Bubba Mustafa's arms and was indeed sodomized 37 different ways. But at least they had that special connection that only two girlfriends can share. John was released that morning at the crack of ass to be joined up with Megan, who had received a facial, manicure, pedicure, and full-body massage with full spa treatment. They both actually enjoyed their Turkish prison experience. John's ass would remember it for a long time to come. A whole day of travel had been wasted with their imprisonment. It was time to get on the road.

John and Megan hurried off with the morning sun behind them as they sped (45mph) to the Bulgarian border. John had always wanted to visit Bulgarian wine country. They had called ahead to Chateau Dalina with a lunch and tasting reservation. Several hours later the Renault's beastly engine had finally called it quits. Luckily they had enough momentum to coast into the valley and were able to reach their destination. They knew that the engine would have to be repaired, but they decided to enjoy themselves first. They hiked their way up the winery's long drive and found their way to the tasting room. John and Megan were first offered the Chateau Dalina Chardonnay. It smelled of wet cigarettes, turpentine, and sweaty monkey balls. Notes of aluminum foil, elephant sweat, hog bile, and armageddon were noticeable on the palate. It was absolutely disgusting. John would rather have licked a roadkill possum's ass during a Mississippi heatwave. The wretched wine was quickly puked a distance of thirty feet. Luckily a representative of the Guinness Book of World Records happened to be at the winery to award him the medal for world's longest projectile vomit. John and Megan ran away from the winery without looking back. It made every bad thing that happened so far on their adventure seem like joyous occasion.

John pushed the Renault into town as Megan steered the tiny French vehicle. Eventually they made it to a local garage, but discovered that it needed a new timing belt. The garage didn't take credit cards, so they had to figure out how to come up with the cash to pay for it. They wandered into the town to discover flyers posted everywhere for the "Duck, Duck, Goose Championship of the World", to be held in town that evening for a prize equivalent of about $10,000. John was quite good at "Red Rover" and "Fetch the Bacon" when he was much younger, but "Duck, Duck, Goose" was never his best game. John knew that it would be the only way to come up with the cash as their are no ATMs in all of Bulgaria. The biggest issue, though, was that John had to come to terms with an incident that happened in his past. Many years ago, John was patted on the head in a heated elementary school game of "Duck, Duck, Goose", and, try as he might he could not catch his nemesis. It was now his time to choose..."Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, cuck, duck, duck, duck, duck, goose!". He hit his friend Brian P. in the head so hard that all the sense and tact were permanently knocked out of him. John would have to suffer with this for the remainder of his life. Brian P. had the potential to do so many things with his life, but now it looked as his life would be limited to computer systems management. He had the potential to be a great garbage collector, tollbooth attendant, or even the "white" Yao Ming. But Brian, in fact, did go on to become a computer systems manager. What a shame. He could have gone so far. The guilt had always been with John in his subconscious, but now it finally overtaken him. He knew that he had to do it. He had to win...for Brian.

John and Megan enjoyed a meal of beets and yoghurt and strategised for the event. How many "Ducks" before the "Goose"? How many times around the circle? Can he play without damaging someone else's sense of tact? He could only wait and see. John and Megan made their way to the playing field at dusk and sized up the competition. Their were about 200 participants...the largest circle in "Duck, Duck, Goose" history. John still had a can of Spotted Dick left and he would use it like Popeye uses spinach. It would be his secret weapon. John swallowed the Spotted Dick whole. The Spotted Dick slid down his throat and he felt empowered. His forearms were huge (but that's for another reason...). His competition was comprised of many locals, a large Dutch contingent, the Jamaican Bobsled Team, Pia Zadora, Corey Feldman, and many others.

The starter's pistol was fired and the competition was on. The circle was getting smaller and smaller. Finally a member of the Thai contingent patted John on the head. He jumped up and ran as fast as he could and caught the guy. It was a small triumph. He still had to pat someone on the head proceed to the opening to make it to the next round. He summoned his courage and made the walk around the circle..."Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck...GOOSE!" He slapped Corey Feldman in the head so hard that he could have lost his ability to make good career and life choices. Fortunately, Corey lost that ability shortly after Stand By Me. Corey burst up from the ground as John made his way around the circle like an Olympic athlete. Corey would have caught up with him, but he stopped to tell everyone about his band and how he thinks Corey Haim is a talentless hack. John made it to the opening and quickly sat down. Unfortunately he was eliminated by a steroid-pumping Bulgarian in the next round. It was up to Megan to win now. She made it to the final round by beating out Pia Zadora handily. Miraculously, Megan beat out the guy who played "Cousin Oliver" on The Brady Bunch to win the competition. John and Megan took the money and splurged on the nicest room in town. It would have made a room at the Motel 6 look like a suite at the Ritz. They spent the night on a straw mattress swatting away bugs and vermin. Yeah...they were living large.

Tune in tomorrow for another exciting installment...or do something worthwhile.



Anonymous Anonymous said...


you are a great author. You should write books

10:40 AM  

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