Tuesday, December 13, 2005

"It's Christmas and it's retail, please shoot me now" (Imagine it being sung by Morrissey)

Oy! Tis the f'in season!

Work has been sucking loads of frog vomit as of late. The holidays are upon us and we're understaffed. I've been running my ass off and I can't seem to accomplish anything...and I still have my ass. My brain hurts.

Imagine this about 80 times a day...

"I'd like to buy a bottle of wine."
"Okay...is this for yourself or is this a gift?"
"It's a gift. I don't drink wine."
"Okay. Sure. Do have any ideas in mind? Do you know if they like reds, whites, roses, dessert wines, or Champagnes?"
"No. I don't know."
"Do you know if they're wine drinkers? Casual...or maybe serious?"
"I don't know."
"Okay...do you happen to know if they eat lots of certain types of food...like pasta, fish, chicken, red meat, etc?"
"I have no idea."
"Do you have a general price-point in mind?"
"No. How much do wines run?"
"Well...they run anywhere from about $3.00 a bottle to a $1000.00 a bottle, but you can get a really good bottle of wine for about $15.00."
"I'd like to spend about $10.00 or less."
"Sure. Let's try to figure out what kind of wine they like. Have you ever been with them in a restaurant when they ordered wine? Was it white or red?"
"I don't remember...but they ordered wine."
"Okay. Do you have any idea if they like their wines dry, fruity, or even sweet? Most wines are fairly dry."
"What does dry mean?"
"Well...that essentially means that it's not sweet. Chardonnay and merlot are fairly popular with non-serious wine drinkers. Pinot noir and pinot grigio/pinot gris are pretty hot right now. Cabernet is pretty popular among more serious wine drinkers. Shiraz is pretty popular right now too."
"I think they said something about a chardonnay sauvignon once. I'll get one of those."
"Sure...but chardonnay is a dry white wine and cabernet sauvignon is a dry red. There's another crisp white called a sauvignon blanc. There isn't a chardonnay sauvignon."
"No...I'm pretty sure they said it was a chardonnay sauvignon. Don't you have any of those?"
"No...it doesn't exist."
"Do you know any place around here that might sell it?"
"No...I'm sorry...I don't, because there is no such thing. If you're not absolutely sure what they drink it might be safer to give them a white wine. Red wine drinkers are more likely to drink a white wine than a white wine drinker is to drink a red. Chardonnay is a pretty safe bet. I'm sure it would be appreciated."
"Alright...there are several options...some are a little oakier, some a little more tropical, some slightly buttery, and some are more crisp. This is a very nice one right here. It's excellent and sort of a compromised balance of all the styles. It's rich and smooth with notes of pear, citrus, and subtle hazelnut. It's very good. And it's only $7.99 a bottle."
"I don't like the label. What about this one?" (Points to a horrible bottle with colorful label)
"That one's okay, but this is noticeably better...and it's a dollar less."
"I don't know...the label isn't as pretty..."
"It's not as common and the label isn't as vibrant, but the quality is really much better in this one. I'm sure that the recipient would be very appreciative. You can get that other one in almost any supermarket. This bottle is a little more unique."
"Is it sweet?"
"No...it's not. It's fairly dry, but it does have distinctive fruit characteristic."
"What kind of fruit is it made from?"
"Just chardonnay grapes...nothing else."
"How can a wine taste like pear and citrus without pears and citrus in it?"
"Different wine grapes typically posses certain characteristics found in other fruits."
"Well...how can it be fruity and not be sweet?"
"A sweet wine has noticeable sugars, this wine is not sweet, but it still has subtle fruit flavors."
"Is this all the chardonnay you have?"
"No...we have everything arranged by country. We also have some chardonnay from Chile, Argentina, Australia, New Zealand, Spain, France, Italy..."
"Australia! Let's look at the Australian wines! They went on vacation there once."
"Sure! Follow me please..."
(Follows me but stops short at the German wines)
"We have some great German rieslings too. They're usually a little fruitier, but can be made anywhere from bone-dry to syrupy sweet."
"I'll take this one."
"Sure. Have a great day!"
(Customer walks away with a $3.99 bottle of Piesporter Michelsberg QbA)
Next customer...
"I'd like to buy a bottle of wine."

That's why I love regular customers who will say...
"Pick me out a bottle of red for about $60.00 as a gift for someone."
"Any particular varietal?"
"No...whatever you think is good. I trust you."
"Try this one. It's great!"
"Thanks a alot! I really appreciate it. Have a great holiday if I don't see you."
"My pleasure. You too! Have a great holiday!"

I went to see The Ice Harvest yesterday with friends. That's the new one with John Cusack, Billy Bob Thornton, Oliver Platt, and Randy Quaid. It was pretty good, but a very, very dark comedy.

The restaurant was insanely busy on Friday. It's as if we were struck by Thor's might shit hammer.

I finished about 2/3 of my Christmas cards last night. I've got another 20 to go or so. I'll see what I can crank out after this post. I didn't get any free return address labels in the mail from anybody this year, so I've got to write it all out. It's not that bad...it's about as annoying as the crust that forms on a bottle of mustard.

This joke is really sick and wrong, but I laughed my ass off. I was watching the Comedy Central end of 2005 special thingy and Sarah Silverman was on toward the end. She said something like...
"2005 was a really horrible year with Katrina and everything. It's like a lot of people got fucked...and THEN somebody shit in their mouths. I call 2005 "Dad"".
Sarah Silverman...I love her.

Random Poll- What's your favorite Christmas/holiday cookie?
(I love snickerdoodles...and I love to say "snickerdoodles".)



Blogger Kathleen said...

Peanut butter blossoms, although the peppermint meltaways are pretty damn good, too.

10:32 AM  
Blogger Glen said...

Random Poll- What's your favorite Christmas/holiday cookie?
(I love snickerdoodles...and I love to say "snickerdoodles".)

I worship the snickerdoodles from COSI. One day I would like to live inside one of those cookies and each glorious new day I would awaken and begin my day's work of eating my way to the surface. Once I had eaten a hole in the top so that I could get some sunshine I would eat a lake shaped depression in the bed of the cookie next to my house. After it rained one day I would have a small lake inside my cookie home and with the sun shining in life would be as glorious as sun shining through the windows of a Gothic Catherdral.

Then I would invite all my friends to come live with me inside my snickerdoodle mansion. We would play croquet and amuse ourselves with parlor games and glorious dances at night.

Oh, snickerdoodle...I love you!

6:16 PM  

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